organisation (its not enough)

i organised my life. 

categories, shelves, containers, boxes, bottles, blocks, tables, diaries, drawers. 

and yet

chaos strives. 

brings with it leftover assignments, tests, homework, deadlines, and headaches.

as much as i try i cannot organise myself into working, i cannot timetable myself into fulfilling deadlines, i cannot set alarms that make me understand my coursework. 

i cannot box my frustration and set it apart to calmly throw and never look back. there's only so much an ever-growing to-do list can do. remind, push, chide. 

even to-do lists give up.

this year ill set goals. this year ill follow them through. this year ill work hard. this year ill prove myself. this year i may give up. this year i may put it aside again. this year will be like the others. this year i will breakdown because i cannot cope, because i took up too much, because-  

                                                                                                 how did i get here?

i make promises, to myself, to the walls, to my calendar as if anyone is listening, as if i can lecture myself into turning in the work, into beginning on time, into an A. 

but like i hated anyone who ever ordered me around, i hated myself. despised, loathed the authority with which the right tried to wrestle the left into place. 

all that remained of the tussle was an empty field, a gagged and bound sense of motivation and a cackling, overbearing winner that was distraction. 

my ambition running for the hills, leaving behind all its bared teeth, tail tucked within its legs, my tasks left for dead at the winners hand. there they stay, until a fresh batch of hope rolls in, bringing with it a new army (that will be defeated again.) it never stops.