i guess im an adult now.

can i pick and choose the parts of adulthood 

those novel moments of ammeration;

someone tell me what an adult is supposed to be.

is it a state of mind?

the second i turned 18, struck by gravity

because i must now behave as something i have never been.

but i guess that was me at 17, 16, 15 too.

things i felt at 13, that i never felt before.

this seems graver, though - almost as if this could shape

all my other ages.

a russian nesting doll of thoughts and ideas and idiosyncrasies

each encasing - protecting - the one before.

all the girls ive ever been,

all crouched: one behind another,

making me who i am.

i guess, to be an adult,

you must just be 18 (the law catches you).

because i feel no different after the clock hit 00:00

and all my friends came bursting through that door.

maybe to be an adult is just

to call yourself one,

and pretend you know,,,

but really just feel 17 inside all along.

i wish to be those women

who at 30 and 40 and 50,

are able to be 

are able to embody 30. 

and 40. 

and 50.

those are adults,

in every sense of the word, even though i could not tell you

even if i tried,

what the senses of that word meant.

im closer to 30,

now than i've ever been - 

but as i think about the cake in my fridge,

18 feels eons away.

at 13 i felt wisened,

felt old and ripe.

at 18, i feel young -

my brain, stuck in a stasis, 

me, forever 17, never 18.